The Cold Shoulder

This past week DJ called me up and asked me out for a date. I had already decided that I would say yes when he asked. So he picked me up promptly at 7 and wanted to go out dinner on the pier. I had a nice time and good conversation. As we walked back down the pier he put his arm around me and in that moment I felt horrible that I could not reciprocate and snuggle in to him. He felt the distance as I continued walking arms crossed, shoulders stiff, he took notice and gracefully took his arm off totally deflated. What do I do to make up for my lack of interest in him romantically...I TALK and TALK to make up for any awkward silence or pauses. I talked so much I had a sore throat when I got home three hours later.

I had debated if this date was a good idea or not and although it did not change my mind I think that it was a positive experience overall. I did learn more about him and really admired what a hard worker he is and liked his go-getter attitude. I was impressed with his ability to take a risk so early on and to try and put his arm around me. The ratio of risk to benefit that early on is so wise! Really he hasn't invested more than $20 on dinner and two weeks of flirting/pursuing so had I reciprocated this would of been a big gain and with the non-reciprocation it was only a small loss. In that small moment I really realized that I did not feel any romantic feelings towards him and he found out that it wasn't more than a friendly connection between us and that was it NO major harm done. He has since stopped calling and texting. Even better is that we have run into each other and had totally normal friendly conversation. So I would recommend to anyone out there to give people a chance at least one date.

BBD

Article Author: Tiffany A. Catch
Book Reading- Mars and Venus on a Date

Break out your medical books there is a new illness hitting young single adults everywhere! Symptoms include always thinking that you can find someone better, always keeping your options open, NEVER becoming too serious with just one person. It's called the BIGGER BETTER DEAL syndrome aka the BBD!

Now you may ask yourself why is the BBD syndrome harmful to young adults and their ability to find a loving and long lasting relationship. The problem with people who have the BBD syndrome is that they are never allowing a relationship to reach the stage of exclusivity. Exclusivity is important for you to determine and know for a surety if this person is or isn't right for you. You have to push through the uncertainty to reach this conclusion. Then through the process of elimination you find out if that person is or is not for you and you get closer to knowing and finding the right person for you.

Even I suffer from BBD syndrome...so badly that I don't even want to say yes to ONE date....How could I have already decided that I don't want to date someone if I have not even been on ONE date with them??? I just think that if I say yes to one date it will snowball into a relationship and I don't know if I want to be in a relationship with this person. I just need to recognize that those feelings are normal and that one date does not mean I will start dating this person. I can say hey I had a lot of fun and I think you are really nice but I am just not feeling it....

So here is the situation; I have made what I thought a new friend, DJ, but I have gotten myself into this situation by being what I consider friendly and others may consider flirty. Now he is interested and has been hinting that he wants to go out through text messages and chatting. The reasons that I do not want to go on a date with him is because I do not feel attracted to him and I want to hold out for the BBD. I haven't reciprocated very much other than to be polite because I had decided that I needed to back off as to not lead him on. Well my roommate did not get the MEMO and invited DJ over for a movie night. I was relieved when he couldn't make it but the invite only seemed to light a fire under him. He has started texting and tonight he CALLED!!...and we all know what a phone call means! HE WANTS A DATE... I didn't answer because I was at work...he left a message to call back or that he would TRY AGAIN....sigh. OK so I get the message he is going to keep persisting until he gets what he wants...so I text back. I guess that was the moment I decided that OK FINE...I will go on ONE date with DJ. He hasn't asked yet but has asked about my schedule and is trying to find things we have in common.

So I guess there are three reasons why I have decided to say Yes to this one date. One being that I shouldn't discourage guys like DJ who are doing their part and ASKING girls out. Plus, I had made a resolve to say yes to one date with nice guys. The second reason I think that going on a date with DJ would be good thing is that it might light a fire under a few other guys. They might think," I have been wanting to ask Tiffany out..and I heard she said yes to DJ so maybe she will say yes to me"...Who knows...just a theory I am testing out. The third reason I am going to say Yes to a date with DJ is because SPARKY is coming to visit!!! He needs to know there are other guys out there who are going to give him a run for his money!....and I need to know that too.

Check back to see how my ONE date with DJ goes...How bad could it be?

UPDATE: DJ called again today and asked me out to dinner. We are going out tomorrow night.

Hung Up

We'll I can't say it better than Madonna so I won't try...

Time goes by so slowly for those who wait
Every little thing you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you

So I am guilty of this. While, I don't want to get into the whole story as to why I am hung up on Sparky, I have seen this all too often. So let me help all of you who are wondering what it means to be hung up. Generally speaking you have had some form of a relationship with this person; dated or close friends what have you. You have formed some type of attachment to this person and although your relationship did not reach the status that you had hoped (boyfriend, girlfriend...ETC) the bridge ISN'T burned. You can still communicate with this person and you view them not as they are but as the potential you see for them...potential significant other.

Now you ask what is wrong with this type of relationship. Well when we are by definition "hung up" on someone we tend to not make ourselves available to other opportunities because we compare others to this person, and want to stick with what is familiar. We feel like we have invested so much time and effort into this person and he/she already knows us. It is far EASIER to remain hopeful that this person will come around and realize you are amazing and everything they are looking for, than to give someone NEW a chance and start from scratch. I know we don't want to hear it but that is exactly what we need to do. To be honest with ourselves that person has had more than enough chances to be the person that we want them to be but they still are NOT! So back to Madonna;

I can't keep on waiting for you
I know that you're still hesitating
Don't cry for me
cause I'll find my way
You'll wake up one day
But it'll be too late


So to overcome being hung up here are some things I am trying to do. Stop looking at his blog (Facebook, MySpace), stop initiating contact (texting, chatting), but most importantly I am accepting him as he is and how he treats me instead of how I hope that some day he will. See he wants to keep my attention but does not want to be committed to a relationship so therefore only contacts me every two weeks which I need to stop accepting because it is NOT what I want. Now I have to start giving some other people a chance to get to know me and start from scratch.

Wish me luck
XOXO
Tiffany

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

Tiffany here
Current Book: He's Just Not That Into You
Dating Advice: He' just not that into you if he's not calling you.

Situation: Well this weekend I was the social butterfly! A girlfriend of mine, Lala, invited me out to her neck of the woods for a pool party/ weekend get away. I went to the pool party with a friend and did not know a single guest except Lala . While staying cool in the pool I showed the guys my playful side by initiating a game of beach ball volleyball. While I could give you all the individual details of the different guys that I meet most of those details could very well prove to be pointless. I will however say that I did meet some promising potential suitors! We had great conversations, good chemistry, and made connections but not one asked me for my phone number! Where is the follow through??!!! It makes me wonder, do guys still ask girls for their phone numbers? Will they be resourceful and get it at any means? How much has Facebook and the Internet changed dating? The following day I went out to Lala's for another gathering and saw some of the same men and new ones, they greeted me and asked why I was out visiting again, complimented me on my appearance and so on....but did not ask for my number! oh the frustration! Don't we go to these events to meet new people? And when we do we have poor follow through on how we are going to forge this new friendship/relationship.

Dating Advice: So now if I follow what the experts say to do I just have to sit and WAIT!!...wait for the guy to find my number and contact me. When a reader asked Greg Behrendt," Why can't I call the guy? Greg said, "because we don't like it!" If I follow what the experts say and they don't call or contact me ,than I should accept that they just aren't that into me and move on. Part of me sees the validity in this point but the other part of me is itching to email them!!! I will have to admit that I am anxious to see if anyone takes the bait. The old me would justify sending them an email by thinking, we had a good conversation and we are friends now so why can't I make the first move? Using excuses like, I am afraid that maybe they didn't get my name or a good look at me. So to make sure to cover all my bases, I have made sure to leave comments and messages on our mutual friends Facebook pages. This gives me the hope that they will see and look me up! TI feel like the book tells us to stop being hopeful and just face the facts, if they liked you they would look you up and find a way. Sometimes I take it too personal that not all of the guys I meet like me. When really only one guy needs to like me.

Resolve: I may not be able to initially call or contact the guy, however I can improve the closing of the conversation. I can say well hey nice to meet you, next time your in my neck of the woods look me up...or even hey next time you see me come say Hi! I am not sure exactly what would be best to say and I am open to suggestions! Send me your suggestions and I will put them to practice the next chance I get! patiently awaiting a call.....I mean moving on.

The Nice Guy

Tiffany
Adventure #6 Why do I give the nice guy the cold shoulder?
Current book reading: He’s just not that Into You
Dating Advice being put to the test: He's not into you if he's not calling you.
Dating Resolution: Say yes.....even if I think they're too nice

Ok, so I am guilty of turning down a guy who has seemed interested in dating me because I think that he is too nice. I freeze up and become uncertain if I would want to be in a relationship with him, so I do not even give them an opportunity (I know I know, its just one date). I am pretty sure that I am done with my bad boy stage but, still want someone assertive. The problem I think I have with dating this type of man is that I think I would wear the pants in the relationship and that I could so to speak walk all over him. The important thing is that I wouldn't and that I would be respectful of him in the relationship. As I expressed this concern to a co-worker she had these words of wisdom, "Do not mistake nice for wimpy". Besides who is too nice anyways? We really DO want to end up with the nice guy. Current nice guy pursuing me: Tonka. I meet him at a singles conference during a round of speed dating. Chemistry was moderate but we had good conversation and followed up with going out with a group for ice cream. While my initial attraction was to his friend nothing became of it. Tonka on the other hand made the effort to friend request me on Facebook. So to reward him for making an effort and encourage continued interaction I wrote him a small note about a trip he was on. He quickly replied privately giving me more details on his trip. To encourage further communication I wrote back to tell him I would love to hear more. Two days later he initiated a chat conversation with me about his trip. I was surprised as to how easy it was to chat with him. Before reading the self help books I would freak out and be like ewww he likes me and I don’t know how I feel about him…SHUT IT DOWN! With my new realization that he IS “calling me”, which according to the book means he is interested and, in dating that is half the battle, than I should not run away from the opportunity. I need to stop putting effort into the guys who are not pursuing me and focus on those who are. So with my resolve to give the nice guy a chance and to be more encouraging of men pursuing woman I am having fun with Tonka and hopeful that he will in the future ask me out on a fun date.

Daydreaming for now
Tiffany A. Catch

Contributors Story

Contributor: Tiffany A. Catch
Age: mid twenties,
Education: college graduate and currently working on a Masters.
Years Since last boyfriend:4. (This is not to say that I have not had dating relationships since, just not a committed one)
Current Interest: 3; Tonka, Berkley, and Frisbee. ( and ohh so many to follow, I don’t discriminate)
Men I am hung up on: 1; Sparky (I make every excuse for him but he is unavailable).
Morals: Have them, I don't believe in sex before marriage, won't be living with any boyfriends, and don't drink or find the bar and club scene enticing. So where do I find new prospects? I look to meet new guys through friends and acquaintances.
Adventures/Obstacles to overcome:
1) Why am I a horrible flirt?
2) When I have a crush it verges on infatuation and obsession. I daydream and imagine the possibilities of our life here together all before he has even asked my name!
3) Why don't I like to talk about my feelings or express what I am looking for in a relationship?
4) Do I need to be competitive in the dating market?
5) Why do all the men I get involved with live long distance?
6) Why do I give the nice guy the cold shoulder?
7) Why am I hung up on someone who is unavailable?
Resolve: To fearlessly implement the advice given by the professionals in my dating self help books and to make the smartest, healthiest dating decisions for my future happiness.

Contributor #4: Sparkles ( I might find something more endearing at a later date)
Age: Late twenties, nearing the new twenty: thirty.
Education: Finishing Masters in English.
Years Since last boyfriend: 2.75 . At this point I have even started encouraging distant relatives to set me up with the single people they know. Even Aunt Sharon. I asked the dental hygienist the other day if she had any nephews. Low point, I know.
Current Interests: A summer salesman with a mole on his cheek. Think Cindy Crawford, but guy and then you’ll get it. Pretty sure he doesn’t live here anymore though. Also, the guy I keep dating in my dreams but I have never met him. He is pretty hot and perfect. Then I wake up sweating and get depressed because I can’t even stock him on Facebook since he isn’t real. Yeah, I would bet on me too, the odds are pretty stacked in my favor.
Morals: A virgin who is getting really tired of being a virgin, especially when I can’t even pleasure myself. I also don’t drink and some days I get tired of this, too.
Adventures/Obstacles to overcome:
1. Controlling other people.
2. Getting over my old boyfriend on lonely days.
3. Unrequited love.
4. Allowing myself to be vulnerable.
5. Broadening my dating pool
6. Hanging out less with male friends in hopes of becoming so despondent that I might make more of an effort to date.
Resolve: To be more friendly when meeting people instead of staying awkwardly quiet.

Introduction and Mission

This Blog started with roommates baking the best batch of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and, as beautiful single ladies the topic of conversation naturally turned to dating and men. Before we knew it each one of has brought from our personal libraries a dating self help book; 10 Things Women do to Mess Up their Lives by DR Laura, Think Like a Man, Act Like a Lady by Steve Harvey, and He's Just Not That into You by Greg Behrendt. As we compared notes on the book topics and advice we decided that each book individually had valid points and wondered how the advice in the books may help improve our dating situations. We exchanged advice on how the books had helped each one of us individually and by the end of the night we had all swapped books. We decided that we would start a blog documenting our attempts to put to practice the advice of the professionals. For the readers benefit and entertainment we would document our successes and failures to find love the self help way. We will remain anonymous so not to embarrass ourselves and those we date. The Mission: to find healthy loving committed relationships that result in marriage. The Method: To follow the advice from self help dating books. The Results: stay tuned.